lives on Exmoor in England
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In the excerpt below
he describes a very advanced mystical experience. By way of commentary,
I would like to point out that there exists an “Ah” meditation. It comes
from the secretive Tamil Nadu tradition; it was first taught in the West
by Dr. Baskaran Pillai, or Sri Guruji Pillai. He called it a “revelation
of Master Siddha Nandi.” It brings the Kundalini energy up from the second
chakra to the Third Eye. Joseph Campbell describes Nandi as follows: “Shiva’s
animal vehicle was the white bull Nandi, whose gentle form is a prominent
figure in all of his temples (p. 63, Oriental Mythology). Campbell
compares the bull of Shiva with the bull of Ptah, in Egypt, saying that
the analogy “is enlarged still further when it is realized that the reference
of both symbolic systems is to the mystery of the god who is transcendent
(the Self before it said ‘I’) yet simultaneously immanent (the Self, split
in two, begetting the universe,” p. 90.) Be all that as it may, it is
from Nandi, the bull that the “Ah” meditation was received, in the form
in which it was taught in America and Europe—by Sri Guruji Pillai and
Wayne Dwyer, whom he taught it to. But this was long after the transcendent
experience below. However, the Tamil is a very old tradition.
I would also like
to quote a relevant passage from “Art & Life,” by Milton Klonsky,
in 1974, in an entirely different tone. This essay, however, hides deep
content in every passage:
“An Egyptian myth tells us how the goddess
Isis once compelled the sun god Ra by sorcery to reveal his secret
name, thereby obtaining dominion over him and all his power. In the
name of Ra, incidentally, and its hieroglyph—which survives as our
astronomic symbol for the sun—we can also find the Indo-European root
of the words rajah and rex, perhaps pointing to a common derivation.
A palimpsest-echo of the great picture-name itself, reaching us from
the depths of the Pliocene (anything so far-out has to be far-fetched)
may still be heard in one of the earliest cries of proto-human language:
the wide-open-mouthed, sun-greeting rrrrrrrahhhh-rrrrrrahhhh growled
by lemurs at dawn along the Ganges and the Nile. Cheerleaders nowadays
still rouse themselves into eurhythmic frenzies of propitiation with
the same primordial rrrrrrahhhh. ‘One thought,’ as Blake said, ‘fills
eternity” (Quoted from the original essay in April 1975, American
Review 20, New York: Bantam Books).
Campbell, J. (1963/1991). The Masks of God: Oriental
Mythology. London: Arkana.
Klonsky, M. (April 1974). American Review: The Magazine
of New Writing. No. 20. New York: Bantam Books.
was approximately 6.45 p.m. when a friend called me on the telephone to
enquire if I would like to go over to his place for a few games of chess.
I explained to him that I was baby sitting as my wife had just gone out
for the evening with friends and would not be back until quite late.
I was just on the verge of inviting him over to my place when, without
thinking, I said that I would give it a miss tonight and simply have a
bath and an early night. I did not know why I had said that, for I do
not usually talk without thinking as to what I am going to say. I did
quite fancy the idea of a few games of chess and rarely ever turned down
the opportunity. Nevertheless, having said it I let it ride.
The two youngsters were tucked up for the
night and the paraphernalia of childhood joy was tidied up as I sat down
at about 7 p.m. I had just placed a couple of large logs on the fire
and put a record on the machine at random with the intent of a few minutes
peace and quiet before going up for a bath. If I had known in advance
as to what was going to transpire over the course of the next three hours
I would have employed a baby sitter and a witness as to my own physical
condition for the duration of that period of time.
Thus it was that at approximately 7 p.m.
on a late winter/early spring evening I, a mere ignoramus of twenty four
years of age, sat down for a few minutes to read the paper and listen
to a record prior to having a bath and an early night. Just as I sat
down in the chair in front of the fire our old cat jumped up on to my
lap. It took me by surprise for I had not seen it coming and thus the
thought of leaning over for the newspaper went right out of my mind.
I made a fuss of the cat as it rolled over into the well of my lap with
its legs pointing skyward. As I stroked its belly it gave out a purr
that was almost as loud as a car engine revving, and fit to rock the chair
we were sitting in. I smiled and wondered how they did it, and why.
I continued to make a fuss of the cat without any further thought of reading
the paper. In so doing I suddenly became aware of the record which I
had put on simply for background music.
It turned out to be the last part of the
Enigma Variations which was to be followed later by the Fantasia on a
theme of Thomas Tallis by Vaughan Williams (how ironic are those two titles;
fantasia and enigma indeed). At that time neither of those pieces were
favourites of mine, it just happened to be the record I pulled out. The
music began to sound like nothing I had ever heard before or since.
It was as though the music was trying to
make me aware of IT. It permeated my consciousness in ways that words
cannot describe. I had a fleeting thought; one of those unsolicited ‘pop
in’ thoughts which said “sod the paper, listen to the music old son”;
and I thought, “Yeah... this is good” ! In today’s language I suppose
we would say that the music was reaching parts that no other Largo could
get to. I had always loved music, music of all kinds, for it all had
its time, place, and mood; but this was more than mere music, more
than mere sound. I relaxed back into the rocking chair with the cat still
purring away like a traction engine on my lap, although the sound was
becoming drowned into the distance by the beauty of the music, when suddenly,
something very strange occurred; and the beginning of I knew not what.
Instead of relaxing it was as though my concentration
was becoming focused, so sharp; like a narrow beam of pointed conscious
awareness focusing and concentrating like I had never done before; even
in the midst of chess problems during a good game, and that alone is concentration
enough, but this was more so. The music had reached a degree of profound
beauty which I had never known or thought could have existed. In so attaining
I somehow relaxed into it, a kind of letting go of objective observation.
I gave a kind of unusual sigh and an outward exhalation of breath like
a long AHH; and just as I did so — everything vanished, instantaneously,
just like creation being switched off by the throw of a switch. There
was no room, no cat, no sound of the fire burning or the clock ticking;
no cats purring, no chair, no body, no weight, no mass, no heat or cold,
no gravity, no up or down or this way or that way; there was just total
blackness and the sound of the music which was passing through my consciousness
in waves. This is not a poetic description of my listening to the music,
it is literal.
At the very instant of ‘going’ it
was as though my ears had been turned inside out; for at one instant the
music was objective, on the outside, and the next instant it was taking
place ‘all around’, for there was no inside and outside as such. Nevertheless
it was as though the music was passing through the point (which I was)
like waves on a pond and each wave was of greater emotional charge than
the one before it; as though each wave was preparing me for the next wave,
and building up into... into I did not know what. In some respects it
was like being kidnapped by divine music, perfection; the only thing that
existed in creation was myself and the music.
It was as though the ‘AHH’ was still
going on but going on in the vastness of the space of the mind alone.
It become a reality in which there was no dualistic reference between
myself and music, but as though there was only ‘I AM the music’ in a dance,
a swoon, of excitement, awe, and wonder. After an immeasurable duration
of time that piece of music ended, and there was a stillness and quiet
as cannot be described. I did not question (at that point) that I had
no body or existence other than awareness of being. Neither would I have
had the time to think of such things for the next piece of music began.
To say that the next piece of music began is the understatement of all
time. It did not begin, it flowed. It flowed out of nothingness, like...
like I know not what.
Within a few seconds of the music emanating
into my consciousness there came the most frightening experience I have
ever known in my life, before or since. The passion and beauty of the
sounds were such that my mind went... bang ! I blew up, fell apart, exploded,
or so it seemed. As I did so I could see, I had vision, I was no longer
in total blackness listening to the music for I could see myself exploding
It seemed to be like the big bang itself.
I could still hear the music, and it was just as well that I could for
my mind clung to the sound to try and quell the fear and panic which was
taking place. I could see what can only be described as streaked out
dots of light which I was expanding into and flying through like a supernova.
It was like I did not even have time to be frightened, even though I was.
I was somehow trying to turn the eyes which I had away from the rushing
lights and the vision of this expansion and concentrate upon the music.
But those eyes (heaven only knows as to with what one could see — but
see one could) were eyes that we cannot open or close by our own volition;
one could not switch the vision or the experience off. Just as I thought
I was going to expand into infinity and fade away into nothingness the
expansion stopped. My mind gradually stopped expanding and I metaphorically
gave a sigh of relief; but there was no breath or lungs with which to
do it. At that point it was as if I were in a kind of unbounded dome
of blackness, and I consisted of nothing except a point of consciousness
with no boundary or duration, no form; just consciousness. I could see
what appeared to be tiny points of light coming into and out of existence
all over the space which I existed within. Much like the vision one would
get with ones eyes nearly closed while seeing sunlight spots dancing on
the surface of a fast flowing river. It was like creation ‘stuff’
coming and going all the time. Throughout all this I could still hear
the music. Then, the next shock to my system, if a system I had. The
dots of light that seemed to be coming into and out of existence as far
as one could see suddenly turned into the music which I could hear, and
I could not only hear the music but now also see it.
There are no words to describe such music
made of light. It is a vision which unlike other vision cannot be recreated
by imagination within the mind from hindsight; it can only be seen and
known at the time of the event. I saw the music flowing toward me. It
was in colours such that we know and some that we do not know. The essential
quality of the light was equal to that of the sound of the music. The
light itself and the colours were not different things as we tend to know
coloured light by reflections or as sources of light emanating from a
certain point. The music was the light, the colour was the light. It
did not flow from anything except uncreated into created. The fear that
I had experienced throughout the expansion or whatever it was had now
gone and there was nothing but I and the music which I was now within:
I became the music; there was not an I and an it. As this event continued
I became aware that I ‘KNEW’ the music. That is to say that I knew it
backwards, forwards, inside out, one note at a time or all at once; and
I could see it anyway I wanted to see it. I could become the melody,
which I did; I could become the harmony, which I did. I could be one
note or the whole piece of the music. Reality is stranger than fiction;
and a damn sight better.
Whilst this divine dance of music in unison
was going on I become aware that I was of two natures somehow enshrined
in one. There came a point whilst I was swimming in this light and music
when I became aware that I was looking at myself objectively, and it did
not seem strange at the time. ‘Myself’ did not consist of a body
but only of light, but I knew it was me, and I thought, “The little one
is having the time of his life”, (which indeed he was), but the other
me, or the me of the personality, did not know this was going on; only
the other bit knew that. Likewise were all these things not being thought
about as we do out here in the world of temporal forms, but somehow they
were just known, and seen, and felt, and enjoyed. (Many years latter
I came to call this level of visions by the name of ARKON IMAGE EMANATIONS.)
I became aware at that point that there were
two aspects of myself. One which I refer to as the person and one which
I refer to as the personality; the latter of which is an extension and
emanation of the former and thus a perceived duality, albeit a oneness
in the structure of an inter-dimensional vortex of self existence. I
cannot refer to two ‘I’s thus I will use the terms person and personality
for simplicity. It is not so much a case of two aspects of consciousness
but more the case of what part of the vortex of emanation the consciousness
is existing within at that instant. One cannot observe from both points
of reference at the same instant however, it is either one or the other.
And it even gets far more complex. But let us proceed in the order of
the unfolding events.
At this point, and even though one was aware
of what was going on at the time, one was not ‘bothered about it’ so to
speak, for I was only really concerned about the love of the reality itself,
the music, the sound, the vision, the event itself, for it was indeed
a divine dance of the spheres. It was passion and reality unimaginable;
creation par excellence, by magic. The shift from one point of consciousness
to the other is not an act of wilful intent on my (the personalities)
part; it simply occurred as far as I was aware. As to how long this music
and light experience lasted is impossible to say, for although it was
a temporal process it was a kind of temporality other than is known in
‘normal’ or everyday awareness in temporal forms. Likewise the visions
and objects of vision (the Arkons) were not thought of as extant things
existing in their own right such as a tree or a mountain, for it was known
and understood to be being created at the time and only for its duration
There came a point however when things changed.
I suddenly had an entirely different vision. It was just at the point
when I knew the music was going away, ending. My perspective of vision
was such that I could see a being, a young boy of about twelve years of
age if appearances were anything to go by. He was illuminated in a brilliance
of light and colour, as the music had been, and existing in otherwise
total darkness, but lighting that darkness up around him like an aura.
He was sitting on his bum (with nothing underneath him) with one arm wrapped
around his knees which were folded up to his chin, and waving goodbye
to the music with the other hand. It was not a vision of any boy or person
I had ever seen or known but I knew that I had to take the vision as myself,
yet not the self of the personality which I knew to be me. Indeed it
was the old me which was doing the observing and learning. Such archetypal
visions are a kind of learning without any words, and which are not reasoned
or rationalised and yet they are understood implicitly and without thinking
about them; the experience is the thing itself and the knowledge and understanding
is implicit and axiomatic; thus it is a dialogue without dialogue, and
synetic in its nature. Hence, archetypal ‘Synetic Dialogue’.
I could see the boy waving goodbye to the
music and I could see the music fading away into a distance and into nothingness;
being uncreated just as easily as it had been created. I also implicitly
knew as to what was going on inside him and as to how he felt. He did
not want anything; he did not fear the music leaving him, for he loved
it —and that was sufficient. I cannot find the words to describe the
passion and feelings which that child knew and felt; but he was perfect;
and an act which I knew that I could not follow. As the music went further
away the sound of it also diminished. It eventually faded away into nothingness
and the boy was alone in his own radiance in otherwise total blackness
and nothingness. Then the vision disappeared, and there was nothing.
I was alone with my boring old self, and once again able to think and
rationalise in the usual manner and seemingly in the usual time span of
thinking. Yet I was alone in a darkness in which I had no form other
than conscious awareness. I realised that any perception or illusion
of ‘otherness’, or another part of myself, was gone and I was alone
with my normal personality of the outside world. Yet the world was gone,
everything was gone except my self consciousness and its memories. What
on earth, (or wherever it be), is going on; and why ? From hindsight
one would assume that in such a situation one would be terrified, for
it was like being buried alive (a good analogy); however, the thought
of the music which had preceded this situation must have taken the fear
away, even though I felt a feeling of great apprehension and a degree
of worry. Is one going to be stranded here for all time maybe ? Is this
death ? Or am I still sitting in the chair with my mind having slipped
out of joint somehow ? Have I gone insane ? The thoughts that pass through
ones mind are at times uncontrollable, and in this situation one does
not know what to think. Surely if I just sit quiet (as if I could do
anything other) and hang about something will happen; something must happen;
I can’t just hang about here for ever; wherever ‘here’ is. Perhaps someone
will come into the room soon and realize that my mind has got stuck inside
and cart me off to a place to get it out again.
It was however, the first chance I had to
think about what the hell was going on; one minute I am sitting in the
chair minding my own business and the next minute... zap, and the world
has disappeared, or I from it — which is it ? I knew for sure that I
wanted out from whatever I was in but there was nothing I could do about
it at all; for I had no control of anything. Just at that point however,
and before I had the chance to get really fed up, something did happen.
I was just thinking how nice it would be to go into the kitchen and get
a beer or a cup of coffee when something came. I could not see what it
was for it was still total darkness but I could somehow feel the presence
of something I knew not what... Then I heard a voice ! To say that one
heard a voice is not true in the sense that one normally hears a voice
in objective terms across a distance, but it was indeed very much like
it and also sounded within my mind or consciousness somehow. As though
the point of origin was somehow objective yet from a location from deeper
down within myself somehow. Thus objective inwards not outwards, from
‘below’ as opposed to ‘around’ me. Something said, or
gave me the understanding by way of perceiving a voice...
"Do you want to go on"?
I cannot describe how I felt about that.
Nothing would actually shock me (I think) after what had transpired since
the world had disappeared. Yet this ‘request’ was experienced as totally
objective; it was not me that was asking the question; it was something
else. I was too stunned to even think about the meaning of the question
yet alone as to where it came from; for something, even an odd sounding
voice, was better than nothing at all, if indeed it was a voice. Without
thinking I inwardly yelled out (for the lack of putting it into other
words, and more in panic); “Go on what” ? “Go on further”, came the
reply or understanding. I was amazed at the logic and reasoning, but
I wanted nothing else other than normality to be re-established. I was
just about to reply (for if you can’t beat it join it), “No thanks; I
have had a wonderful time thank you very much, but I think it’s about
time that I was getting back to normality right now if its all the same
to you”. (You might as well go out laughing I thought). As I was about
to respond however, I was suddenly washed, bathed, drowned in a passion,
a love, a swoon of ecstasy; in which I responded in a way which was a
kind of choice which was no choice; an offer one cannot refuse. (And not
the kind of bath I had intended). I replied to whatever, or wherever,
the question emanated from... “OK, let’s do it, lets go on further” !
I did not even know what the question meant yet alone as to from whence
The next thing I was aware of was that the
profound overwhelming emotion had gone and I was then alone again — but
something was different — stone me, my mind is BENT... out of shape, distorting
! I was now experiencing not ‘nothing’ but decidedly being inside of
something — inside my own mind which was being squeezed out of shape.
Why is my mind not round ? The things one thinks at such time. It was
as if I could see the edges of my own mind in a fuzzy darkness, with my
consciousness being like a point at its centre. My mind was being squeezed
out of shape, or so it seemed. It was narrower at one point than at the
other; a bit like a pear. I underwent an experience of being squeezed
and I did not like it one bit. I became very anxious; or near on panic
is more like it. I had a distinct urge to try and punch a hole in my
collapsing mind in order that I could get out, escape, before being squashed
along with it. I yelled out.... “Oy, there’s some sod out there pulling
my mind around and I cannot stop it”. I felt real panic coming on fast.
The restricting became worse. “If you don’t pack it in I am going to
be squashed inside it... sod off” ! I was about to hurl other choice
obscenities when all of a sudden I heard the voice again....
“Relax, take it smoothly”!
I was just about to reply “bugger off” when
I suddenly started moving. “Relax, he says... stone me... I’m moving...
the whole bloody shebang is sliding away and with me inside it” ! “Good
grief almighty what the hell is happening” ! “Relax, everything is as
it should be, keep calm and relax” ! “Relax, he says, who’s driving
this thing anyway... how do I know its passed its bloody driving test
? And where is it going anyway... go on tell me that” ? “Keep quiet,
shut up and relax” ! With that command, or suggestion, I was stunned
to the core;... “Oh yes, relax... OK, I’ll relax” ! Bloody liar I thought
to myself, who the hell could relax in a situation like this... this is
too ridiculous for words or thought... yet alone happening ! The moving
began to judder; we were up against something of a resistance (me I guess)...
“Relax” ! “I am relaxing”! (why can’t I be unconscious or dead or something)
! I tried hard to think on good things as one does in the dentist chair
while under diabolical pain; although there was no pain here, only fear.
Make out nothing’s happening I thought to myself. The juddering felt
like whatever was clogging the works was fighting a losing battle in some
inevitable way. There was a huge tug — then a release. I zoomed off
like a bullet from a gun; into, or out of what I knew not.
It was as though I had been ejected from a container
of some kind and at high velocity: but I was now in a form of unseen space,
a space which was so dark that it was almost a void of creation, but I was
aware of a space of some kind in which I existed, and all about me. There
was a long stunned silence of thought in an instantaneous recognition of
the obvious. "Bugger me, why did I not realise it ages ago — I am dead
— you're kicking the bucket old son" ! Not expecting any answer I shouted
out —"I am dead ain't I" ! A 'voice' or communication answered,
much to my amazement. "Well, if you were dead then you would not know
it would you; just think lad, how could you think that you were dead if
you were dead".
This was in some ways the most relaxing comment that had come to me since
the music episode had ended and thus in some way relieved the panic which
otherwise would have ensued. I inwardly answered, "That is indeed
hard to argue with, but from what I have seen thus far nothing would surprise
me" ! There was no answer to that but I distinctly felt the knowledge
of something smiling. The sensation was now of existing in a literal space
of some kind and yet very different to the confines of what I had taken
to be my own collapsing mind and the things which had transpired within
it: for now my mind was definitely perceived to be in a space, and free.
I suddenly felt totally alone again, or so it was experienced to be. For
whatever it was, the other degree of myself or otherness which seemed
to have asked the questions was now gone again. I was alone. I guess I
must have been fooling myself for it is obvious that I am dead, or at
least on the way to it, for what the hell would I be doing here otherwise
? For a moment I wondered as to whether I was dreaming; perhaps I fell
asleep in the chair and this is all a dream and I will wake up in a few
moments. But I knew that it was no dream for it was as real as life, too
real; albeit so different. I could still see; for that I knew, but there
was nothing to see; there was no creation other than myself, my mind in
nothing, Limbo. It was indeed a state of isolation, of existing in nothing
created. It was not as though one were simply in a dark place as such,
for it was experienced that there was no 'place' to be dark.
It was like being stranded, left alone in nothing; separated or beyond
any form of creation; abandoned. All creation having been switched off
and having forgotten to take me with it. Not even a finger to wobble or
anything to smell or touch. I thought how much I would loved to have seen
a raindrop or felt the wind in my face. And that how I perhaps took such
things for granted maybe. 'Well, just when you're enjoying yourself eh',
One could think of this in terms of either a Limbo experience or Mind
Alone, for the effect and the experience are the same thing. Naturally
I began to feel apprehensive, for one could not do anything. One could
not shake oneself out of it for there was nothing to shake. I began pondering
on life for I had accepted that this was the end of it, or the journey
to the end of it. Strangely enough I did not seem as bothered about it
as I thought I should have done, and even though I had been cut short
in my prime, and at a time when I was enjoying life to the full.
Well, I guess I am going to fade out any minute now and there is not
much I can do about that now, so why worry about it ! But if ever anybody
or anything asks me if I want to 'go on' again then I shall certainly
ascertain as to what they mean before committing myself. After a while
something switched on what I instantly thought was a star, a tiny little
pinprick of light way off in the distance. I suddenly wondered as to why
I thought that this star was objective to me, for nothing else which I
had seen could really have been said to be objective in the literal sense;
but this star felt to be absolutely objective. I was over here and that
thing was over there, and thus real in objective terms.
I then questioned as to where all the other stars had gone but realised,
or perhaps better to say suddenly remembered, that this was not outer
space, but an unknown inner, or sub-space somewhere; and heaven only knows
where. But if this is supposed to be heaven or afterlife then it is no
great shakes; and give me Exmoor any day. Well, star or not it is damned
obvious that I am not going to find my own way home from this place. And
even if one knew the way back how the hell would one move in that direction
? I give up ! I began to wonder if my existence was now solely due to
my thinking process perhaps. That is to say that I have no body or substance
observable therefore perhaps if I stop thinking then I will cease to exist.
That's novel I thought, a bit like Hobson's choice. By the same token
however, if I were to keep thinking then perhaps I could hang about here
for forever. But my thoughts do not thrill me to that extent so I did
not fancy the idea of that. So perhaps if I stop thinking then I will
cease to exist. So I stopped thinking. Nothing happened. I was still there;
in nothing and nowhere. Well, that's it then, so much for that experiment
It occurred to me that perhaps the Christians may be right after all
and that this distant light was perhaps Dante's Inferno; Wow ! happy days
! I didn't think that I had been that bad however, and not that I believed
such stuff anyway; but there you go eh! Movement seemed to slowly begin.
Either toward the tiny little light or else it was itself moving toward
me; but no, I felt actual movement somehow. Although I was not really
thinking about it I somehow began to question, or at least begin to think,
about my past life. If this light which is coming toward me (or me it)
is death, then I really do have little time to think about life. What
about it ? Well, it was OK I guess, I seemed to enjoy most of it despite
the pains and the poverty, the war and frustration. What did I amount
to ? Sod all really ! Was it fun ?
Fun ! ? I did not know it was meant to be fun; did I ask myself that
question ? What the devil is going on ! Was it fun ? Well, some of it
was, but not all of it, I thought to myself. Would you do it again ? Not
the same one over again I don't think, a different one maybe. Different
in what way ? Well, a little less frustration and pain, a little more
passion and shared enjoyment. A more meaningful existence somehow maybe.
What is enjoyment ? Well, you know, enjoyment ! No, you tell me what enjoyment
Well, enjoyment is to love what you are doing, to do what you love doing,
and to share that thing and that love with another person I guess. It
is also the joy of taking part, the act of being a part of instigating
and spreading that enjoyment of being; a harmony of body and mind in the
excitement of experience with others, and also at times on ones own with
nature. That, I guess, is what enjoyment is for me anyway. At that point
I felt that I would love to see a tree or a green field; a blade of grass
or a drop of rain, or at least to feel a breeze of fresh air. For they
were all now lost and gone. It occurred to me that I had not done any
breathing for a long time; and nothing to breath with.
Would you want to go on living now, given the choice ? Now that I have
come this far I am not sure. It would have to have some meaning to it,
some purpose other than mere pleasurable moments and sad moments which
amount to nothing really. It would have to have something which is seen,
known, to have some meaning to the suffering and pain which is the greater
portion of life on earth it would seem. It would have to be worth the
effort of the struggle involved.
Would I really want to live again now ? I am not sure now; but what I
think does not really matter now anyway; so I do not want to think any
more; sod the lot of it. However, life was certainly better than being
here and that's for sure; and wherever 'here' is — the dungeons of my
mind it seems. But whatever now then ? In life I had the option of committing
suicide if I had wanted or needed to; but I cannot even do that there-here.
I wonder where those poor sods went anyway. Perhaps such an act is simply
a short cut to where I am now, or where I am headed for... that light
is getting bigger, quite close.... Good grief ! What the hell ... are
they doing here ?!
I suddenly became aware that I was drifting past other beings somehow;
hundreds of the buggers. I could not see them as such but I somehow knew
they were there, and I could indeed almost see them, a kind of misty outline
of some kind. I could somehow feel their presence. I became aware that
I was somehow passing people; or beings of some kind anyway. What the
hell are they doing here in my mind, or my minds tomb or whatever or wherever
? It was as if I was drifting through their dimension and yet somehow
I could feel their presence and somehow 'know' them: an empathy of some
kind. These people, whatever they were, were so good. I do not know how
I knew that, but I just knew it, and I wanted to be with them above all
else. If I were on a bus then I would jump off at this stop, but I can't
do sod all: I want to be with THEM!
I wanted to wave at them to attract their attention but I had nothing
to wave; yet somehow I understood something; a bit like a conversation
by telepathy I thought. I could feel them and know them, and understand
them somehow. Stone me ! — they said I cannot be with them... not now
! Why not; I want to be with them, they are far nicer than many of the
people I came across in life. They are different somehow; strangely different.
Then, without more ado or a by your leave, I suddenly shot off like an
inter-galactic bullet, at terrific velocity and away from their dimension
of existence, or their imagined existence whatever. And the light which
had been a mere pin prick of light, the little star, was now much closer
and larger. That is no star, I thought; more like a hole with light shining
through it, or somehow rather drifting out of it. It was now almost upon
me, or me upon it whichever. I seemed to be in some kind of free fall,
a decent or diminishing orbit about it; spiralling toward it. It was almost
as though I could feel my own movement now and almost a sense of rushing
air passing me. Hay, this is quite fun, a good feeling. But I do not think
it is going to last long somehow ! I was no longer questioning as to whether
this light was real but rather as to what it indeed was, for I was heading
for it and fast. It is not a star, it looks more like a hole with light
coming out of it from behind. Well, it would seem that it is perhaps the
death star after all; happy days ! Now is the time for all good men to
come to the aid of Richard: some hope !
Well, what is going to be is now going to be, so sod the lot of it: for
there is nothing I can do about it now. But I could go out singing, I
guess — more dignified than whining. What shall I sing then; it will have
to be a short song: "Arrivederci Roma" ? "Auld Lang Syne"
? No, I think I fancy a bit of Bach.... that is certainly a hole... it
IS a hole... with light shining through it somehow; what a beautiful light
it is, to be sure... radiant.... strange... this is IT, I am going into
it.... stone the bloody Crows, I am falling into it.... Wow !
* * *
of the Trinity of Being
What happened next is impossible... I think
! How then do we describe the impossible ? An event occurred; one event,
but it was experienced twice, and from two different perspectives or points
of reference, and thus appearing as two events from hindsight. Yet they
could not be remembered during the sequence. They could not be remembered
for an infinite duration of time; not until this whole series of events
was over and behind me. This event was in a dimension of a trinity of
some kind; a trimorphic reality of self in some way. However, observation
is always dualistic, the observer and the observed it seems; but it can
take place from three different points of reference in sequence. Is it
any wonder that we question our sanity for a while.
I will have to describe the following sequence of events just as though
it was experienced at the time and in the sequence in which the events
took place. However, at the time, the first sequence could not be remembered
during the course of the second sequence and thus it was experienced (at
the time) as if I only went into the white light once. But from hindsight
it was experienced as going into it twice — even though knowing it was
only once. The alternative is that two parts of me went through two different
holes at the same time. Confusing is not the word ! Who would ask for
any of this ?
I did not experience actually entering the white light. One instant I
was about to enter it and the next instant I was inside or beyond it.
If it were possible to have blinked ones eyes then I would have assumed
that I had blinked and hence missed it. But I know well enough that you
cannot open or close those eyes. Moreover, I had no knowledge of ever
entering the white light; there was nothing before this event for that
part of me in this field. I saw the figure of a Human form. It was tall,
elegant, old; and standing on top of high precipice, like a cliff edge.
I (this part of me) was in a location just to its left and a little way
behind it. But I had no form as did it. I could see the left hand side
of its face and form and way off into a strange kind of distance to the
front and all around it.
I must have had two eyes for the reality was three dimensional. The space
all around was like an eerie white mist and yet somehow without being
misty; for vision was crystal clear. I could see over the edge of the
precipice where this figure was standing right near the edge of a high
drop. However, I myself, the observer, had no form, and this figure, or
symbolic emanation of a figure, seemed as though it were not aware of
me watching it, whatever it was. Moreover I had no remembrance of ever
arriving here or of anything that had happened before. I did not have
a clue what I was, or what I was looking at, or what either of us were
doing here: wherever 'here' was.
But it was calm, serene, peaceful, poignant, somehow meaningful, but eerie
nevertheless; strange; mysterious. I had no thoughts going through me,
no feeling, no questioning; no power to think or reason (as one can from
hindsight obviously), but just simply watching, and taking it in: and
not by choice. I, or this part of me, was just an observer (as far as
I know anyway). If one was being precise then that part of myself could
be said, from hindsight, to have been like a spare member at a wedding
or union (Mutual Convergence). And in the true and deepest sense of that
meaning: a mere observer — in order to KNOW !
The figure was looking down in toward the whiteness which was a kind
of enclosed but huge dome of whiteness. There was only the restriction
of whiteness which created the perception of an enclosure or dome of some
kind. But whilst I was observing all this a small dark aperture in an
otherwise total whiteness just opened up, like the lens of a camera shutter
(the round type). The whiteness was not a blinding whiteness but simply
an absolute pure and soft radiant whiteness: but kind of misty. And yet
the aperture which opened up like a hole in a wall was absolutely round
in form and clear cut defined. But it was tiny; a small hole. A small
dark opening in a 'non wall' of the mysterious white light; and me with
no form, and this form of a figure about three foot in front of me and
to my right, just standing there watching this hole appear. Then all of
a sudden a small ball of gold glowing light popped in through the hole;
and as it did so the aperture closed up like magic behind it... like a
self closing door.
As the being looked down (it sounds like a fairy story but it is the
literal truth of the events so help me the god of truth), this small gold
ball of light came through the dark aperture into the white light, and
there it just kind of hovered, remained stationary, with this figure watching
it and me watching all of it. As I said, as the small gold glowing object
entered into the white dome then the aperture through which it had come,
the small black hole in the white, simply closed up and became non existent
behind it; and the light (gold ball) just sat there stationary; a gold
ball of light surrounded by a pure white light. And all was still... for
ages it seemed.
It was eerie, so quiet, yet so profound. There was not a sound or any
further movement. All was utter stillness and quiet. Somehow it seemed
as if the figure may have been an extension of myself with me having some
kind of out of the body experience in some strange way; for I knew what
was going on in its thinking; I think. Yet I was observing from a slight
distance away... and objective.
The small glowing object looked much like a Ping-Pong ball and its radiance
was a gold glow which stood out in contrast to the surrounding pure and
soft white light. As I watched I saw the figure shed one tear; one solitary
tear ran down its left cheek; yet it was happy; so happy. I know not how
I knew it, but know it I did. The figure was in love with the glowing
object. Had I been in a position to think, ask questions or rationalise
during that facet of the events, then I do not know what I would have
thought or reasoned, or understood; but I could not. From hindsight it
is very strange being a passive observer. From hindsight however, there
are no questions to ask regard that event as far as I am concerned; for
all was understood — it explains itself. But to continue however.
Nothing was said; there was not a sound; everything was as stationary
as the grave with the exception of that teardrop slowly rolling down a
face. No further movement took place. It was so profound beyond words.
I was not sure as to whether the figure I had been observing was another
part of me or not; indeed at this point I was not sure of anything, for
I could not think; I was simply an observer. The vision then ended as
instantly as it had come about, and from that point I had no further memory
or recollection of it ever happening; or not for a very long time yet
to come. An infinite amount of time.
In the Second, or Parallel Entry.
As I said... this was no star, it is a hole with light shining out of
it, and I am damn well falling in to it.... I am going into it.... Wow
I did not actually experience going into the white light; I must have
blinked or something. One instant I was about to enter it and the next
instant I was inside of it. I was inside some kind of bubble — a bit like
a cobweb eggshell, or one of those string lamp shades that gather all
the dust. I was aware of myself inside this thing; like an embryo in an
egg of some kind; or shell. It was the first time that I could actually
see anything of myself since all this began. I was somehow sitting all
cramped up like a bloody chicken in an egg; wondering as to what was on
the outside which was so bright; and as to what the hell was going on
now. But thinking did not come easy at that point, and perhaps simply
more instinctive than rational thinking. But I could still think somehow.
Beyond this 'bubble' which I was cooped up in was a pure radiance of brilliant
and dazzling white light. A blinding light. I could not seem to think
in the normal mode of thinking, although I could indeed still think somehow.
I had an instinctive urge of wanting to scratch my way out of this bubble
or whatever it was, or at least see as to what was outside of it. But
there was no form to scratch at. I could not touch anything even though
I seemed to have some kind of physical form of some kind. I think it must
have been simply too bright and blinding to see properly. I suddenly realised
that the light was getting brighter and even brighter by the second; blinding
and more blinding all the time. Or perhaps more light was getting in through
the mesh of this thing somehow. I began to see something — or more true
to say 'know' something: but what is it... I'm not sure... No, no no it
can't be... it is... good grief almighty... the thing outside... it is...
it is ME ! (With that thought, that event, that vision and knowledge —
I was dead; gone; finished). I saw no form of anything other than brilliant
and blinding light yet I knew that something outside was myself; it was
made obvious; axiomatic; absolute knowledge. My being, my consciousness,
started spinning, swooning somehow, spinning in a giddiness like a vortex
of water going down a bath plug hole: a vortex of self existence diminishing
into nothingness. I knew that my bubble was disintegrating in the light...
and so was I... I am going... I am being damn well annihilated, melted
down, disintegrating, burnt out, annihilated. It came to pass that everything
ended; everything had gone; and I was gone. I and the universe were no
more. It was the end of time.
* * *
THE PARADISE EVENT
The Virgin Womb of Eternity
The Jewel in the crown of Creation
And the Mystic Teaching in the
Resurrection of Consciousness
an unknown duration after my bubble or shell and I were annihilated, there
was nothing. One cannot talk about nothing, for nothing is the total lack
of experience, oblivion; like being switched off, dead, gone,
annihilated. But after a non-duration of time there was a re-emergence or
resurrection of my being, an annihilation of annihilation as such; but the
like of which could never be dreamed or imagined. No physical eye has
ever seen that place, no hand has touched it, no dreaming mind has thought
of it, and its reality has never occurred to the rational mind, which
exists in temporality: other than through the memory of the Paradise event
Annihilation in that mutual convergence
was something like passing through a magic gate: a gap in the universe: a
hole in creation, a gate which separates time and temporal things from the
transcendent realm of a divine Eternity, the repose of being. Such death
is not a death but rather the ultimate in living, the ultimate in knowing,
and the ultimate in comprehension and affirmation. Likewise is it the
ultimate in love, passion, wisdom, and understanding. From hindsight one
would initially ask the question as to why the nature of things comes to
contain such a rare and precious jewel in the crown of creation which
would seem to be so jealously guarded, and beyond the moat of annihilation
itself, that so few people ever come to be shown it during the course of
their life on Earth. A justified question indeed. For everyone should
know this yet while they live their lives on Earth; or so would be my own
judgment and any other human being who had come to witness this wonder
beyond all wonders. Dialogue upon the transcendent and eternal realm is
not going to be easy, for the words we use apply to temporal things and
not to the eternal perception of the divine transcendent realm of
perfection in which there is knowledge only of essences of things and not
the things themselves. Moreover the vision of the place itself is not
what paradise is all about, for it is about the feeling and the knowing
and understanding, not the vision; and even though the vision itself is
the vision to end all visions. Among all other things one knows (and
realises from hindsight) is that we are a kind of jug, a vessel, a
conduit, through which the life force itself flows. Without created
consciousness to act as such vessels, there could be no further creation,
and no point or meaning to creation without us. We are the banks of the
river of the flow of life; and this place is where the banks of the river
of life meet the eternal riverbed.
However, it is not totally impossible to
talk of such reality, only very difficult; but such experience itself
solves many mysteries and so called paradoxes. To say that self-
consciousness, or I, is resurrected after annihilation is a most fitting
description of the experience, and the best definition of the event. One
could also say the annihilation of annihilation; but one cannot say as to
what is happening in absolute objective terms of reality; for you and I
can never know that. With regards to the ‘awakening’ in that realm, then
one cannot make an analogy of going to sleep and waking up in another
place, for that gives the impression of a continuity; which it is not. It
is a broken continuity of self-being. Broken by the act of annihilation.
When we awake from sleep we are the same
person that went to sleep; we vaguely remember going to sleep, we remember
having been asleep, and when we awake we retain our past memories of
having existed before that sleep: and thus a continuity of being even
though we underwent an oblivion of consciousness during dreamless sleep.
Neither are we actually aware of the point of falling asleep, but we sure
are aware of being annihilated; and how. And I often wondered why. But
if we did not come to know then we would never know the connection point
between time and the everlasting eternal moment of being.
Because that place, the transcendent
realm, is judged by us (or me) to be perfection, then for simplicity I
refer to it as Paradise. There are no names however. It would be
misleading to refer to it as ‘eternity’, for I always thought of eternity
as the sum of all created time. Indeed time as we know it does not even
move there. Thus it is the beginning of time; hence the womb of
eternity. Moreover, nothing at all of experienced consciousness has ever
known that place and dimension by dwelling there. So it is pristine,
fresh, childlike, virgin of any other experience or memory; and hence my
justification for referring to it as the Virgin Womb of Eternity. There
are no men or women there and the word virgin has no connotations of that
ilk. However, let us proceed with the event and the understanding of the
eternal wisdom itself.
When we awake in paradise we do not
awake in the sense of coming out of a sleep then; it is nothing like that
at all. There is no waking up or sleeping in that realm, for when you are
resurrected into it you have ALWAYS been there; there is no before.
Temporality does not apply there. Hence, even if we went there a million
times it would always be ‘once’ from our perception anyway; and by virtue
of annihilation itself. Paradise is the beginning; and the end is a new
beginning. So it is both the beginning and the end, and then the
beginning again. It is like the knot that joins a round piece of string
or loop; or the weld that holds the circle of being together. It is home
! From whence we came. It is my home; everyone’s home. We are Twins;
divine cosmic twins.
One does not wake up then or suddenly
come into self-consciousness there, for one has always been there and
self-conscious within it. Naturally enough you and I can come to question
that truth as it is experienced by the I AM within that realm when we are
in extension of it; and don’t I know it. But you cannot whilst in there;
it is uncontradictable. Thus when self-consciousness is restored, shall
we say, after annihilation, it is not the restoration of the personality
that went in, thus it is not really a resurrection in that sense, for that
part of ourselves which exists in that realm has always been there; and
the part, the personality, that went into annihilation does not exist
there; but it is still you; the real you; but the inner and depth-eternal
you that only this dimension can reveal; and hold. The part that is never
let go of. So much depends then on the reference point one is talking
from when using the term ‘I’ or me. Hence we have to come to know our
true self; that part which IS the real us, and of which everything else is
ultimately objective—even the personality, time and changing events.
In that realm there is no memory of ever
having existed before or elsewhere. There is no before or elsewhere. Thus
we are not talking about the personality existing in paradise but that of
the PERSON. The personality is washed away in annihilation. But
nevertheless that person in paradise is ‘ME’ . . . ‘I AM ME’. It is
still my consciousness (you in your case). But not the you of the
temporal senses. The person and the personality are but two parts of our
trinity; and the soul or overself is the third part—like three quarks in a
proton or three peas in a pod. One could therefore mistakenly talk about
the ‘I AM’ which exists in the womb of eternal mind as being objective
from the personality of the being in time and space; but to do so would be
very wrong and also cause a paradox and alienation of self from self, or
the outer from the inner. Likewise, it is painfully obvious from
hindsight that some, if not many (through second-hand dialogue and
distortions, no doubt), have thought this aspect of being to be the first
cause; the unseen living mover of creation itself. But not so; for there
is another, and even beyond that depth . . . beyond our self, and which is
The eternal paradise at the ground of
our being is experienced to be the first created thing and place, but
certainly not the creative source itself. Although it is known to be the
first emanation of the creative source itself, the first act of creation.
In the beginning, man was indeed in the garden of eternal delight and
perfection, paradise. But as I say, it would still require an ‘act’ to
bring forth paradise and the minds within it. Thus it is also known
whilst in that place that there is a deeper but uncreated reality. But
not a deeper reality that you or I can ever get to; and that is a known
fact whilst there. The I AM which exists in that reality is not the first
cause then, and that is axiomatic at the time. It is the first thing
‘CAUSED’. However, it was not created in time; certainly not the kind of
space-time that you and I know out here. It is deeper down within the
inner structure of emanation than the point where space-times become a
phenomenon of extended reality; just as a river is not the riverbed, but
without a riverbed and the banks there could be no river. It is the
ground of being; not the creative source of all being.
Let us continue, however, with the
exegesis as it unfolded. I was resurrected from non- existence, death,
into a place of eternal perfection. In that place there is perfect
vision, (those who are blind will see). A vision which must be from two
locations, I guess, because the vision, the place, is three-dimensional;
binocular vision. There exists width, breadth, and depth. The place,
realm, goes on as far as one can see, and into a distance beyond sight
itself, for it is everywhere and everything. There is up, and there is
down, there is left and there is right, all relative to the point of
vision needless to say. The vision is of darkness and of infinite
jewel-like glowing lights. The lights are like jewels, diamonds set in a
sea of purple glowing darkness; which is not really dark at all, but
somehow pulsating with vitality and being. The lights are small but more
than mere points of light, and they are of various size and distance
apart. Some are even kind of wispy and strung out; but most are roundish.
Neither the darkness or the lights can
be described in a way which does them justice, for the beauty transcends
anything known or knowable. It is the original unadulterated essence and
principle of beauty. The lights in that realm are stationary, or so it
seems to observation. Nothing moves, all is still and silent. The only
thing that moves is I, or self-consciousness. I AM slowly drifts through
that realm in a clockwise orbit; a slow orbit, but an orbit nevertheless.
Initially it is like a slow drifting in a straight line. However, it is
an orbit, a clockwise orbit, assuming the clock were laying face up on the
floor. The orbit is of great distance and almost perceived as a straight
line, but it is known to be an orbit about an unseen centre. The I that
exists there (us) has no perceived substance or form, it is just pure
virgin primordial consciousness as far as we are concerned; or a
mysterious substance which can be made conscious; a ‘spirit stuff or
energy’ of some kind. But what it is made of (if anything other than
consciousness) cannot be known.
It cannot be seen or touched. It is
like such energy is sacrosanct. There is no form to the eyes that see,
for it is the consciousness or energy itself which can see. It can see
almost all the way around itself, but not quite all the way around. Thus,
you cannot see directly behind you but you can indeed see well to the left
and right in greater vision than human vision. In ones drifting in this
paradise one does not come into contact with the lights at all; and one
does not really know as to what the lights are, (one can deduce from
hindsight though) they are just lights, beautiful lights, and their
configuration slowly alters with the perspective of one’s movement in
The darkness itself is indescribable, it
is like a translucent glow of purple soup which is somehow vibrant, vital,
it is not a void and it is not mere space in between the lights; it is a
‘something’; but more like a glowing soup or aura somehow. Perhaps it is
the ‘stuff’ that beings ‘congeal’ out of; like planets and stars in the
universe. And one’s orbit is through this divine and wondrous darkness
amid the jewel-like lights. Thus, it is a brightness as well as a
darkness. Like the twilight of the gods indeed. The description may make
it sound a little bit like the physical universe with the stars amid black
space; but it is nothing like that at all. But if anything then more like
the vision among a nebula in a past supernova.
The lights are much bigger than our
perception of stars, which are mere pinpricks of light, and there is a
tint of colour in them even, as I say, like diamonds; but the predominant
aura and glow is white. They have a substance and shape, but there seems
to be no absolute uniformity of shape; but most seem to be round, as I
say. The darkness is nothing like outer space, and it is not even dark at
all; but darkish, like purple which is glowing. The lights are not as
distant as the stars in space even though they are not in contact, and the
distances between them is many times their actual size. Thus it is not
like the emptiness of outer space at all. Moreover, one can see all this
without turning one’s vision, for indeed one cannot turn one’s vision.
There is no ‘Oh, I think I will look that way or this way’... you just see
it all, all the time. But you also know that you are not seeing ‘it all’
at all, for it is infinite and everywhere.
However, that realm is not about the
vision, as I say, it is about the magic; the knowing, the understanding,
the passion, the reality, the knowing the ‘ALL’, the love, the wisdom, the
beauty, and above all else it is about the purpose of creation and being.
It is ineffable really. In a word it is all about ‘being there’; taking
part in this divine mystical union of creation at root beyond time. It
seems that the vision itself is a kind of bonus perhaps: a place in which
to do this knowing yet whilst in a repose of divine peace; the peace that
passes all understanding; perfection, and affirmation of being. It is
like an amen to creation; the swan song of perfection. It is like the
last chord of the ultimate piece of perfect music; a chord which comes
like an amen after that pregnant pause and build up to the final chord.
There could be nothing cleverer and wiser than to have annihilation
precede this reality; it is like music in that sense; the last, and divine
chord of created being when all has seemed to be done and finished.
Moreover, it is also the beginning as well as the end, as I say, for it is
where we come from. It is like it could be described as the cosmological
waiting room of created consciousness before transmigration into the
experience of time, freedom, and activity. There are no other beings
perceived (or even known of) in paradise; one is totally alone with this
truth and its reality. Thus the place and the knowledge is all yours, all
mine, all beings from their point of reference and consciousness; it is
the realm where all centres meet beyond space and time in the primordial
motherload of created consciousness, minds, spirits, beings, whatever you
want to call them. ‘Motherload’ does not mean female either. It means
the main seam; the core, and the original. It is PURE consciousness;
beyond time, space, and memory. It (I AM) is the alpha and omega of all
extended minds; the beginning and the end of all created beings in
creation; the first creation and the home that awaits the return of all
created minds, which are but the children or progeny of creation.
Nothing was created before I AM and
paradise: and nothing is created after me; I am the beginning and the end
of creation, (synetic dialogue). Thus it is that the consciousness in the
repose of the eternal domain is the first child of creation—in the Virgin
Birth of creation itself. The real and only Virgin Birth. (and this one
is not symbolic, it is the real thing). Before the mountains high and
wide, before the seas did flow, before the stars gave forth their light,
even then, I said, I KNOW. Before my personality was, I AM. Before cave
men came into being, I AM. Look deeper than the stones of the earth and
the oceans, and there you will find me; I am the light which is beyond
them all; I am the light of life and the resurrection. Know me, and you
will know your self; for I AM . . . and you are I AM.
Thus it is not metaphysics but
proto-physics; before physics. It is not ‘after time’ (although it is
that also); it is before time moved, before changing events emanated forth
from the centre of all being and the eternal point of no duration. We are
there at the beginning, like the observer of the first act of creation.
Our self-consciousness in that dimension
cannot think; thinking is a temporal process; but it is totally aware
nevertheless (thus, knowledge before thought: thus thought depends on
knowledge . . . NOT the other way around as many seem to assume. Earthly
philosophers are like mere babies in divine ignorance). It (we) is (are)
not aware of things as we are aware of things out here, however, but it is
aware of what can only be described as the essences and eternal principles
and qualities of things; truths, depth realities, quality, meaning,
purpose, beauty, wisdom, passion. That root of our being of eternal
consciousness, that part of ourselves which exists there at the deepest
level, the first child of creation, is totally in absolute love, a passion
beyond description. It is filled with the passion of being to such a
degree that if you and I out here were to have that degree of passion
burning inside of our temporal minds or guts then we would blow up (and
perhaps this caused it to happen during an incarnate life; who knows, who
knows); but such passion is like dynamite. It is not like the watered-
down love we know in this world, and certainly wonderful though that be.
It is more comparable to the heat at the big bang with that of absolute
Cosmic temperature now.
In this life we tend to think of wisdom
as that of knowing what to do, of doing the right and proper thing;
because it is wise to do that thing; but that is intelligence not wisdom.
However, the wisdom within that consciousness is nothing like that. Its
wisdom is the knowledge of creation itself; the knowledge of the heart:
the knowledge of itself and its eternal existence. Knowledge also of that
which is not itself; otherness; that which gave event to paradise and
oneself; it is uncontradictable certainty of creation, purpose, being; and
the wisdom of the beginning and the end of all things. And thence all of
which I sum up in the terms the ‘Eternal Gnosis’ or the ‘Eternal Wisdom’.
It is a divine swoon of the exultation
of the love of being; and being a part of it all. That ‘I AM’ knows well
enough that something brought it forth into being; it knows well enough
that it does not contain its own causation. It also knows that the cause
of its creation is not paradise itself (the place) in its origin; and not
within paradise itself in absolute terms. The first cause cannot be seen,
it cannot be directly known independent of essences and created forms, and
yet in a way it knows of nothing else other than its love for its source
of being. And its source of being is that of no created thing; no thing
created. And it is not questionable; it is uncontradictable knowledge and
certain reality. There is no doubt. Thus, if it could be said that one
is ‘contemplating’ whilst there, which is true in a way, then the thing
which one is concentrating (not thinking) on in this swoon of passion,
knowledge and delight is that of the love of ‘No Created Thing’. If you
follow my meaning.
Thus it is that such child of
consciousness (us in there) is in love and wisdom and yet it is but a
child; a virgin creation; a virgin birth no less: pure in its love of
otherness and the love of itself and its home which was created for it.
Pure in the sense that it cannot think. Pure in the sense that it has had
no other experience beyond that of paradise itself. Pure in its love,
which is unconditional of anything, and unadulterated. For although it
somehow knows everything in there, you and I (out here) would say that it
knows nothing at all in the sense that we consider knowledge and
understanding things. It is a very strange thing, for in this world there
are two things that you and I can never ever know; one of them is
everything, and the other is nothing. (For ‘knowing’ means to know ‘some
thing’). And yet that part of ourselves in that realm knows only two
things: one of them is everything (the essence and principle of) and the
other is no thing. How odd, how very odd; it is like a reciprocal
reality, or the square root of minus one—except that this place exists in
The ‘I AM’ of that realm has no
knowledge of Earth and incarnate existence. No knowledge of the universe
or universes of space and time. No knowledge of created forms other than
itself and paradise. Thus, those who claim that they are communicating
with the dead may be Communicating with other living beings maybe, but not
these beings, not the totally transcendent. You will not disturb these
beings ! They are sacrosanct and belong to something else for that
In the eternal paradise then there is
only One, and the one is the all (for we are all identical in it). It is
only from hindsight and whilst on Earth (with remembrance of paradise)
that we can know that all created consciousness sees it that way, and in
the same way; thus all beings perceive the oneness in the divine
transcendent realm of perfect repose, perfect love, and perfect wisdom.
In that place there is no pain, no worry
(no bills to pay), no answering to do; no eating, no sleeping, no
thinking, no memory, no remorse; no hopes or desires, no fears; nothing
negative. Thus it is also then a Mono-Pole reality; all positive and no
negative; (hence no negation). All good, no bad. All beauty, no
ugliness. All ‘now’, no past or future. All understanding and
affirmation, no doubt or unknowing. All answers, no questions. Good god
almighty, why was anything ever created so good ? Who knows, who can
answer ! Only that child knows; and that is its wisdom—and it is you.
Search yourself then; for the quest and
passion for the deepest knowledge of selfhood and understanding brings
knowledge of the deepest depths of the all.
As I drifted in a slow orbit swathed in
a love which is ineffable, beyond words and full rational understanding,
in a wisdom which is beyond dialogue, in a place of eternal and
everlasting perfection, I suddenly heard a voice or command (or the
experience of one) and understood a ‘command’ or directive ! I had never
heard a voice or command before in all my existence, and I was in fear and
panic. The voice, or command said . . .
“It is now time to go” !
Words cannot begin to describe. I had
never known communication or words or commands before. I did not know as
to what was communicating with me, or how or why . . . was it me or was
it something else . . . I began thinking . . . what IS thinking ! There
is nothing else, only me ! I did not know what ‘go’ meant, and yet
somehow I did begin to understand, and as I began to understand I was in
even more fear and panic (was I biting from the TREE of knowledge), for
there was nowhere else to go; only this place exists. . . . No, no, I do
not want to go (I do not know how I invoked or understood such
communication for I had never communicated with anything). But I know not
of ‘go’, this is my home and my love . . . I cannot go ! (The first
thought . . . and not by choice).
“It is all well that you must go now,
for something out there is in need and you must now be with it: do not
fear, it is all well that you must go now... now be with it” ! That fear
at knowing I was ‘going’ is not possible to put into words; it could not
be put into words. But one knew nothing of other things, or worlds, or
time and space. Nothing. Nothing other than Eternal Paradise.
I did not open my eyes, for they had
never been closed as far as I know. Returning was instantaneous action at
a distance. I was looking at a cat fast asleep on my lap. My arms hung
limp at my side. The fire had long since burned away and all was as quiet
as the grave. It was very late into the evening and growing cold, yet my
body was warm, comfortable. All was as it had been except the fire was
out, the cat fast asleep; and about three hours or so had elapsed.
No amount of words or pages could ever
sum up my initial feelings and thoughts on returning to temporal conscious
and the same life that I had left seemingly millions of millions of years
ago. Yet it was but three hours ago. I must have sat staring at the wall
ahead of me for the next hour dumb-struck, without moving as much as an
eyeball or a muscle. I was in shock. There are no words to describe the
feeling, the shock, the excitement, the annoyance of coming back—the
impossibility of it all. I was shocked, joyful, sad at returning,
bemused, enlightened, annoyed, happy, mind-blown yet understanding all at
the same instant.
By the time I got around to moving, it
was about eleven p.m. I wondered as to what would have happened to the
children if the house had caught fire or if one of them had woke up and
come downstairs. I thought more in that next hour than I had thought in
all my past life put together; but none of my thinking made any sense to
the rational mind. When I came to my full rational senses I shouted out
to myself . . . “Good grief almighty what the hell was that”! I was
indeed back to normality, my old charming ignorant self. But perhaps not
quite so ignorant now.
I staggered into the kitchen to make a
strong cup of coffee which I took up to bed with me. The children were
sleeping fine and did not look as though they had moved all evening. I
did not think I would ever be able to sleep ever again. But wrong again,
for I was sound asleep within no time at all, and before my wife returned
home from her evening out with friends. I never told anyone of that
event; the paradise event, for twenty years or more, for obvious reasons.
Not a word; not a mention. What the hell could one say anyway ! And we
all know well enough the reaction it would receive. It was therefore not
only the secret teaching—but unspeakable ! Or was it !?
I had undergone what I later came to
call the ‘Mutual Convergence’ (in annihilation). Twenty years later I
underwent yet another most profound experience which I came to call the
‘Reciprocal Convergence’: or the Consummatum Incarnate (paradise on
earth). And in which there is another kind of union, a reciprocity of
‘meeting again’—and on earth, between the inner self and the outer
personality in a oneness. And only then did I came to see the connection,
the reason, the meaning and purpose of the ‘I AM’ in paradise; and in
which the function and purpose of the incarnate mind and the inner depths
of self and the objective physical universe are fulfilled in a unification
of mindful being on earth; the three in one; in a dance among the temporal
forms on earth, and which was understood as the very purpose of creation
itself and the reason as to why even paradise exists—and has to be known
while yet on this Earth during an incarnate lifetime here. They have to
be joined on earth also; that is the goal, the function and purpose—that
eternal self is no longer alienated in conscious awareness from the
incarnate mortal form.
And hence the saying that the outer has
become as the inner and the purpose of being has been fulfilled,
consummated, in the perfection of forms as it was in the beginning in the
transcendent essence of being then so too has it become in the forms in
extension. And in that knowing and understanding, creation has achieved
its goal incarnate; and within the knowing incarnate mind of a finite
personality . . . but ‘I AM’ eternal. The mind is not in this universe
simply to observe it, but rather to fulfil it. You and I AM are one. You
are I AM. Know thy self.
However, that was way off in the future;
twenty long years in the future. In the meantime time did get mean at
times; and from hindsight I can only call it a twenty- year period of the
dark night of the soul at times: for I had not yet learned of the
reciprocal convergence of spirit with spirit on earth in the consummatum
or reciprocal convergence. But in the meantime there also existed a
dichotomy, a duality of being; one being perfect and the other far from
perfect. A little learning is a dangerous thing, so drink deep or taste
not the divine eternal spring. Where metaphysics hangs its coat and
mystics dwell in awe, the singer may be sighted; but the song goes on some
more. Believe what you will, whilst you are free to do so; for you will
not always be so !
But wiser by far to believe nothing at
all; for knowledge will suffice: and ignorance melts away with
experience. But instantly after that Paradise event of transcendence
itself there was but one thought, one knowledge, one understanding and
affirmation . . . and which is . . .
Oh . . . no . . . Oh . . . my God . . .
how beautiful it is ! Oh my Love, would that they could know this; would
that their eyes could see and their minds understand as to what they are,
and from whence they came; the beauty, the truth, the passion. My love,
give me the understanding; and give me the words, that I might speak of
the wonder of being. And let us create Man in our image.
It is an irony that you and I here on
earth, the temporal rational discursive mind, find it all too easy to
accept anything that is bad as being true, and yet the acceptance of
anything good being true is so difficult. That synthesis of inner
understanding may well be easier for some than it is for others. I had
more than enough problems with it—more than enough. And it took so much
to make me understand and accept it. Would that it could be easier for
others. I think that there is no better reason for making mention of
these things for the young. We all learn from experience eventually, and
that is natural enough. But to be able to learn, to some degree at least,
from the mistakes of others, then that would be even better.
* * *
THE ARKONS OF
the Earth and Paradise,
the strangest place to be,
is the realm of mind’s transition,
the journey of the free.
No freedom though, there is within,
of actions, choice to see,
for only that which needs must,
is made for you and me.
One facet of transition
is Limbo’s quiet scene;
where nought there is created,
but time to think, and dream.
Such visions are the Arkons,
of light beyond the Earth,
and each one has a message
self-evident, as our birth.
It is a kind of learning
much speeded up in time,
and the message is implicit,
without a word or rhyme.
The Arkons of the depths prepare
the way that lies ahead;
where some say you are living,
and some say you are dead !
They also act as transport
to Annihilations gate;
the MUTUAL CONVERGENCE,
in the midst of the white state.
Beyond the gate of Paradise
all memory is thus lost,
of all the things you did in time;
their pleasures, and their cost.
But, of all the Arkons,
along that deep dark flight,
the most majestic of them all,
is Music . . . made of light.
* * *
THE LOVE OF
is a time for laughing,
there is a time for thought,
and there is a time for going
where no Earthly thing is wrought.
And when such time encroaches
and clouds the temporal dream,
fear not the rushing darkness
and Limbo’s quiet scene.
For in the stillness of ‘No-thing’,
no vision to behold;
there is a wondrous lesson,
a story to be told.
Unlike the journeys final end,
in the Womb of Eternity,
the temporal halt in Limbo
there is no thing to see.
Yet strange, so strange, it is to be
in knowledge of ‘no thing’,
and how the thought of ‘nothing’
teaches us to sing-
- a leaf, a breeze, a drop of rain,
a snowflake in its fall,
each touch, each smell, each vision,
and the purpose of them all.
Before the gate of Paradise,
before Annihilations might,
in the passageway of Limbo,
wherein there is no light-
- is now the greatest lesson
that man can learn today,
of what it’s like, when all the
of life . . . have gone away!
So much I learned in Paradise;
So much I learned on Earth;
but somehow strange, and strange to
in Hell, I learned their worth.
Yet even that dimension,
where nought there is to see,
is but a divine essence,
a lesson, so to be.
* * *
solitary light is coming fast !
the song I sing will be my last;
sad to say it’s time to go,
and all the things I’ll never know !
But never mind, the road was fun;
even though it’s now nigh done.
What a way to end this flight . . .
crashing out in blazing light !
Down Eros, and up Mars . . .
but wait ! . . . the thing is full of
My Gor’d . . . I drift in love divine
. . .
the Eternal Dome . . . is mine; all
My Gor’d . . . I’ve made a motley pun
of what I am, and whence I come !
Would, Oh would, that I could be,
out here, as when I am with thee.
Never would a man believe
what in truth he does achieve.
So spread your blessings throughout
or no work will get done . . .
and that won’t rhyme !
A heart on fire will pound and pound
and like a feather, float to its
In resurrection from ‘No-thing’,
among the lights I sing and sing;
a silent song that none can hear;
except the Ultimate Cosmic ear.
* * *
my love, that “I” should be
awake in they, as “I” in me !
Judgment knows the depth of Glow,
where spirit falls like snow, on
Where time is done, and put to rest;
primordial womb, so richly dressed !
Many hide in words, or glee;
but I, my love, will set you free !
Through “I” you may behold your form,
as I have watched from the gates of
No hand has touched, no eye has seen;
no thinking mind has dared to dream.
Time is short and tally’s not;
much less cares of what it’s got.
But holes between events in time,
can’t be spent, for they are mine.
Those who see the truth below,
need not believe—for they will Know
the learning is beyond the night,
beyond the moving, and the white.
* * *
another to love
all beauty is in vain,
truth is an empty vessel,
no meaning exists in pain.
Beyond the shroud of movement
where not even truth can hide,
is proof enough the saying,
“Nought burns in Hell but pride”!
The Cosmos needs its lover
in order that ‘it’ can ‘be’.
But in order to say “I love you”,
requires one to be free.
Freedom is the Cosmic price,
its passion churns the throng,
whilst knowing not the Essence,
the Singer; and the Song.
I tell you this my greatest love;
the freedom that is ‘Me’,
but now I know just what it is . . .
. . . I never shall be free !
* * *
The Dark Side
(Exegesis Part Five)
Dichotomy and Synthesis.
had been the case that there were no such thing as spiritual reality (and
as I had perhaps assumed the case to be as a youngster) then all such talk
and speculation on spirituality (and mystic revelation) would be mere
opinion or belief; and unjustified opinion and belief at that. But when,
however, such reality becomes self-evident by direct personal demonstrable
experience such as I underwent, and of which you have just read a brief
synopsis, then it does indeed become a real justified target for thought
and contemplation. I would imagine that people’s immediate reactions to
such a profound event as a mystic death and resurrection encounter would
be very different, and depending to a large extent upon the personality
involved and their past mode of thinking. My own reaction was immediate
ambivalence and much confusion. I include this chapter then, ultra-brief
though I will have to make it, in the case that it might assist others to
avoid so many years of inner frustration and a long drawn-out synthesis in
acceptance and understanding of the events.
Thus it was then that at the age of
twenty-four, whilst sitting alone one evening minding my own business and
expecting nothing, that event occurred. And how is one supposed to react
to that ! Then again how is one supposed to react to any experience ?
What IS experience ? Could anyone even begin to describe how they felt, I
wonder, for I certainly cannot, and there are no words anyway. I did not
even know that such inner ‘events’ existed to be known and experienced. I
was dumbfounded and mind-blown. This was not knowledge as I understood
knowledge and experience to be; and yet it was as real as being alive on
earth. For three hours (on the outside) and forever (within) I had seen
things and learned things, knew things, that I could not accept as being
true when returning to ‘normality’. How does one cope with that ? How is
one supposed to cope with it ? No person tells us that. We all walk
through this mysterious creation alone—or in existential conscious terms
For a while, then, I was confronted with
a direct demonstrable reality which I did not want to know, could not
understand, for it was too much and too ‘way out’ and different. Not only
that but it was too good. It was too good for me and it was too good for
reality itself. The world was an obvious obnoxious cock-up; but that
thing, elaboration of the mind, hallucination during a trance, or whatever
it was, was wondrous beyond words and belief; there was nothing better,
and nothing even equal to that existence.
It did not add up or equate with the
rest of reality; whatever ‘reality’ is. Was it the case that I had gone
mad maybe ? Did I really die for three hours ? No, that cannot be right
surely ! Was it a vision of death whilst yet still alive maybe ? Was it
the case that the mind was some kind of confidence trickster to itself
maybe; and for what purpose or function ? Or was it the case that it
really was what it seemed to be—could that really be true ? And why me,
of all people ? I am not that ‘kind’ of person. My mind was in a giddy
spin for about three months. Yet one also had to carry on with the normal
daily chores and events as usual, as though nothing had ever happened at
It occurred to me that it was a damn
good job that I had a keen sense of humour and a down-to-earth kind of
personality. I think that alone kept me sane. Is it any wonder that such
people to whom these things happen (I found out later that it did happen
to others) then begin to wander the moors on their own, to think, wonder,
contemplate, ask themselves questions: and try to understand it all; and
as to why it happened to them. It is no wonder at all. Life shows us
things, and in so doing the nature of the mind is forced to ask questions
and seek answers to them. A questions is much like a vacuum in the mind,
and nature—and the mind itself, it seems—abhors a vacuum. In due course I
came to learn that some people actually go looking for esoteric
experiences. They must be the mad ones, I thought; for sufficient unto
the day are the problems thereof. After about six months had gone by I
decided to give up even thinking about it at all. For it did not make any
sense, and obviously no answers were going to come. A peasant like myself
could not work these things out, so there was no point even thinking about
As a young man I had never had what some
like to call a philosophy, religion or belief system; and being young is
the time when one is learning so much about life anyway, and not for
forming conclusions. But I guess I thought along the lines that the human
mind and consciousness was the product of electro-chemical actions within
the brain and that the thing which we called ‘our conscious self’ was the
product of this biological and electro-chemical stimulation; and that
being the sum of it.
What I learned that evening however—and
among other things—was a contradiction to that hypothesis. But one is so
used to thinking along certain channels of thought that when one is jolted
out of it one then questions the reality of the new concepts, not the old
ones; for the old ones fit in the mind like a snug warm glove—potted
thinking and self-created assumptions maybe. And which for the large part
have been put there by our indoctrination, nurture, and education from
other people since childhood; for they tell us what life and reality is
all about. Thus, one is faced with the dichotomy and paradox of all
time. If these things are really real, true independently of simply
experiencing them, then the conventional thinking of both science and
religion is wrong. So what is real then; book learning or direct human
experience ? The dichotomy was also exacerbated by the fact that I loved
and enjoyed the events and that reality so much, and yet the implications
which it also brought did not appeal to me a great deal.
One of the implications in that
transcendent mode of being is that you and I are never terminated as such,
but simply undergo a broken continuity of self-existence. (Broken by the
event of annihilation and then beginning again in that mysterious
resurrection—and which then eventually led back into this world or perhaps
some other incarnate world or dimension again). But I did not fancy the
idea of continuity, broken or otherwise. Another is that you and I are
not even from this world at all, in essence or spirit anyway. Also that
we are not mere puppets of a divine Order but rather the very right-hand
partner of it all, its direct progeny. What a lot of stupid nonsense
surely; that cannot be true ! The initial question then which one faces
after such an event is as to whether one actually believes or accepts such
events and such learning done therein to be really true or not, and
irrespective of experiencing it—and actually LIVING it.
This new situation caused me a little
trouble, to say the least; for I did not even know how to believe things.
I was happy enough in knowing a few things and also of my ignorance of
other things. I had seen a little of life on earth, and mysterious and
pleasant as it was some of the time the large part was that of suffering
and downright misery for most people on earth, most of which was caused by
people themselves—arguments, wars, hostilities, deprivation,
exploitation—and it was no joke and certainly no paradise to be sure, and
we were no divine beings to be sure. Or if we were, then something had
gone very wrong somewhere along the way. But what I had seen and been in
that evening was a paradise of perfect existence. Why ? How come ? And
why me ! What was the point of it all ? How the hell could anything be
so good . . . and yet real. And how could it be so good . . . and yet not
real ? How can you exist in something that does not exist to be existed
in ? How can you know something that does not exist to be known ? It
must be bloody real . . . but it can’t be ! And so the inner synthesis
goes for a while.
But if it were true, that you and I were
never destroyed in absolute terms, and if those things are true, then who
in their right mind would ever want to come back here again anyway ? For
you cannot stay there in that dimension of mind even if it is real. I do
not want to come here again and that is for sure, for this world is
juvenile and cretinous enough without having to live here with the memory
of that other place—and which makes it even seem worse here on earth.
I began reading all kinds of literature
for a while; for I had to know if others had seen and been in this same
identical reality that I had seen and been in. But there is so much to
read and so little time left after work to do it all. Yet that which I
did come to read during the first year or two had no resemblance to what I
had seen, learned and knew. After reading much ridiculous nonsense that
had no relevance to that which I had seen and known I gave up reading
again and tried to revert back to my love of chess—but it had gone ! I
could no more get interested in playing serious chess than I could in
digging holes in the ground. I could not concentrate on chess—It seemed
too trivial and a waste of good time. And that annoyed me so very much,
for I had loved chess for so many years; and now that love had gone,
deserted me; and not of my choice. Why ?
After about six or seven months I
decided to give up even thinking about that evening and that wondrous
transcendent event; for not only did it not relate to anything in normal
perception but it could not be got at by choice anyway; and nobody knew
anything about it. So what was the point in even thinking about it yet
alone asking questions and trying to think and make sense of it all ? I
returned to my old philosophy, of ‘sod the lot of it’! I had concluded
that whatever it really was, and experienceable though it was, knowable
though it was, that I did not want to know, and that I did not want to
think of it any longer. I was not mentally up to it.
So I stopped thinking about it. Every
time the thought, memory, feeling and inner passion, flashed across my
mind I deliberately pushed it aside and thought about other things
instead—difficult though it was. But resolute I had always been. After
about another month had gone by I had my first and only nightmare that I
have ever had in my life. A nightmare which was a dream which I will
never forget for as long as I live; and which then acted as a major
catalytic event at that time.
I dreamt that I was out walking over the
moors on a very bright starlit night. There was no moon, but the stars
were so bright and so abundant that I could see well enough to the top of
the hill towards which I was walking. I knew the path, even though the
path itself was dark and not well seen as such, but the illumination from
the sky made the top of the hill stand out in silhouette and quite clear
to vision. I knew that there were no hazards underfoot and thus I could
walk in confidence.
All of a sudden, somebody switched on a
searchlight. I had been walking quite slowly, both hands in my pockets
and whilst whistling to myself as I walked. At the event of this light
being switched on I was thus taken by surprise; for I knew that it was a
searchlight and yet there was no war on. So who the hell was looking for
what out here on the barren moor at this time of the night with such a
bright light ? It then occurred to me that something was wrong; the damn
light was upside down ! I had seen enough searchlights during the war and
knew well enough what they looked like; and this bugger was upside down.
I began to hasten my steps, for the light was in the direction I was
walking toward anyway, and I was intrigued to find out what it was for,
and as to what they were looking for at this time of the night. But on
realising that it was upside down, I guessed that it must have been a slow
moving aeroplane or a helicopter with a new silencing method, for there
was no sound whatsoever.
Moreover, the light was not moving. It
became obvious that the point of the light was up in the sky and that the
wide bit was on the ground. But some sod up there was looking for
something on the ground; yet there was nothing but barren moor out here.
Then the light began to move. It began what one can only describe as a
scanning action. The point at the top was stationary and the beam itself
was moving slowly across the moor in a straight line. It then stopped,
shot back instantly to a point in the opposite direction where it had
begun scanning, and then started scanning a little lower down the hill;
just enough lower down that it would not have missed anything. I became
even more and more intrigued. I took my hands out of my pockets and began
walking a little faster toward it. I arrived at a point where I could
ascertain that the diameter of the beam on the ground was about six feet;
and indeed very bright.
The scanning had continued . . . slowly
across, fast back, a little further down and then slowly across again,
time after time. These buggers were resolute if nothing else. I reached
a point where the beam on the ground was only about twelve feet away from
me; but there was still no sound and no sign of where the light was coming
from in the sky. At that point I simply stopped walking and just
continued to watch the event. On the next scan the beam passed by where I
stood by about four feet or so. It did not even occur to me that if I did
not move out the way then the next scan would cover the point where I was
standing; or if it had occurred to me then it did not bother me at all;
for I just stood there and watched it; for it was fascinating.
As predicted by past events, it got to
the end of that scan, flashed back to its original point of movement and
slowly began its next scan again. It had not stopped in its movement
since all this had begun. As it approached I saw that its path was coming
straight toward me, as I had assumed, but when it got where I was standing
. . . IT STOPPED DEAD !
I was panic-struck. I could not move.
I was transfixed to the spot. I instantly looked upward, but although the
light was so dazzling I knew that the upper end, the narrow point end, was
something to do with me; I had to turn my eyes away for the brightness was
too much; and in looking back down I did not see myself—but I saw that
ugly bent twisted tree which I had seen over the moors some seven months
back; I was that useless tree.
I did not wake up, it was as though I
had never been asleep at all. I was flung out of bed and crashed into the
wall, which made my nose bleed. I had never known panic before in all my
life. I was sweating buckets and bleeding. I rushed downstairs like a
bat out of hell and made a series of strong cups of coffee. I could
hardly stop shaking in panic; yet I did not know what I was even
frightened of, for the dream itself was a soft and pleasant dream, and I
did not frighten easily by anything anyway. It was my reaction to it
which was the nightmare.
I eventually relaxed a little after
about five cigarettes and three cups of coffee. I grabbed a book out of
the bookcase and began studying some weird and wonderful opening variation
on the Sicilian defence Dragon variation, to take my mind of it. It was
about three in the morning by now, and there was no way that I was going
to go back to bed that night. Thus it was not the dream itself which was
the nightmare but rather my reaction to it which was the nightmare; and
fear of I knew not what. I just did not understand. How the hell could
the mind throw up a wondrous scenario as I had experienced those few
months back and then tonight . . . this !? It got me asking questions
again and that is for sure. It worked ! It was as though the dream was
somehow symbolic. After transcendence I somehow knew that I knew
something which I could not know now, or consciously know now anyway, but
that it would come, whatever it was - a kind of answer or synthesis to the
events. But that was somehow intuitive understanding and thus
questionable. I did not really KNOW it for absolute certainty.
When one settles down again the thinking
and questioning then starts in earnest, and in a calmer action from
hindsight. Strange that we can be moved into action by bad events and
forget the good ones ! OK then, these things do happen; so what is going
on then, how and why ? And what the hell does whatever it is really want
? Where is all this going to, and why, and how? And why me? I cannot go
into any detail of the events which occurred over the next twenty years
for it would take forever. But what happened shortly after that dream was
most odd. It was as though that every time I came to be motivated by a
certain topic I then contemplated upon that topic of thought, then within
a short while, sometimes weeks and sometimes months, I would have some
very strange kind of psychic experience which could be seen as a direct
answer to the very issue I had been contemplating upon—like an answer.
This is ridiculous, I thought; and yet it is damn well happening. This
involved all kinds of experiences, but never quite the same kind twice.
I did not even want them, this was not
my kind of ‘thing’; not me. I did not want to see past and future events
as pictures flashed up in my mind. I did not want deep inner empathies
with people. I did not want pictures flashed up in my mind as to what
they were thinking or what they had in their pockets even. What the hell
was going on and what was the point of it all ? I did not want any of
this stuff. I just wanted to be left alone to get on with my life and
normal daily reality.
These experiences, however, were much
different from that first big event, the transcendent event; and anyway
these other ‘psychic’ or whatever they were experience did not answer
questions about that other reality as such, but simply seemed to show me
various potentials which the mind could somehow come to do at times; and
god only knows how or why. But that first experience was not so much
about what the mind could come to do but rather—what it indeed was in
essence! And assuming it was true of course. However, these other things
were always proved at the time that they WERE indeed true, for they could
be proved; they were proved; and they were never ever wrong, not a one of
them. Is something trying to tell me something—if so what and why !? And
why indeed me; for I asked for none of this at all ?
These things continued on and off for
nearly eighteen years. By this time, or long before it in fact, I had got
used to them, and simply smiled about them. It was not as though these
events were happening every day—far from it; and life, as it had always
been, was reasonable enough; good times and bad times the same as anyone
else has, but not extremes of anything. Then for a while nothing happened
at all, not a jot. I began to think and accept that all these things were
now over for me in this lifetime, and that perhaps I had seen far more
than enough anyway. Yet many claimed to understand their experiences (or
so they said), but I was damned if I could. I felt a deep inner gratitude
for having been so fortunate to see such wonders, and yet somehow, and by
virtue of it, I felt some how ‘left up in the air’. As though somehow,
like a pistol, I had been cocked but not fired; unresolved. It was all
still unsynthesized in rational comprehension. No final synthesis to the
flow and understanding of it all, and the why. A half-baked
A little learning may well be a
dangerous thing but it can also be damned frustrating, as I found out.
For an inner part of me knew things somehow, even understood them somehow
in an emotional understanding, yet the outer and rational part of my mind
did not accept them or even want to know. Imagine listening to the most
beautiful song in creation and then the singer skips out the last chord,
the resolution to the harmony, the last amen—that is how I felt. But
luckily my own personality could still laugh at it. It created no hang up
as such, but more a kind of rational annoyance than anything. I began, on
black days, to wish that I had seen nothing of all these things at all;
and yet I knew that I did not really mean that; just that dark cloud that
can pop up at times, I guess. By the time I reached forty years of age I
thought all such past experiences beyond the normal range of sensory data
had now finished in my case. I had even accepted and become used to the
idea that no more was going to be seen and that no full synthesis of
understanding would ever come. My degree of intelligence, or lack of it,
could not work it out. Anyway I did not even want to work it out now—I
damn well wanted to KNOW !
Life was ticking over OK. I was now
married for the second time, after my first two children had grown up and
were doing there own thing; and now with two more young ones in the second
marriage (with one more yet to come—another surprise !) I had what seemed
like two full lives in one, as it were; five children in all and one
foster child which we took on from the deprived area of inner Bristol. I
often chuckle when I read of these academics who inform us how best to
bring our children up; the sociologists with bits of paper and PhD’s
(Piles of Hybrid Dribble, or Medallions of conformative potential), and
often they have not even had any children. Their ‘knowledge’ is all
academic, not direct hard earned experience. Ignorance is bliss !
If I had another five hundred children,
then it would still be guesswork and instinctive reactions for the large
part. (plus the fact that they are all very different and with different
needs and personality; children are not clones that conform to rules of
convention). But if they are loved, they will not go far wrong, it seems:
either in wealth or in relative poverty. But having them if they are not
loved and wanted is the greatest tragedy in the universe of mankind and
the existing human condition. Children know whether they are loved or not
intuitively; and not simply by words. Too many people say ‘I Love you’ in
this world; but do they really know what real love (not need) and deep
passion really are I wonder ?
However, one spring morning when the
kids were at school my wife and I went out with our dog to the hills
overlooking the Chew Valley lakes near Bristol where we lived for eight
years, for she had been attending Bath University for three or four
years. We thought it was such a nice day that we would take a picnic and
she could study some papers she had to deal with whilst taking in the
fresh air. The view was crystal- clear that day, and the sun was soft and
warm with just a pleasant fresh occasional breeze; it was perfect
weather. After our sandwiches and a drink my wife settled down to her
studies whilst I was playing with the dog; he loved the ‘fetch’ game, for
he was a Springer.
After a certain amount of chasing
around, I, getting a little older and less energetic than I had been,
eventually slumped down on the grass for a rest whilst the dog chewed on
his stick. I was in a position about eight feet away from my wife and
behind her. She was lost in her work; the dog was lost in the joys of his
stick and his earlier chasing, so I simply began to look around me to
admire the view.
Within a few minutes or so something
strange began to happen. It was very very peaceful, there were no other
people around, and there fell a kind of hush that one experiences at rare
times, as though all sounds were muted a little. Like one of those days
when walking on air or cotton wool, or on soft new snow; a unity of peace
which is rare on earth. Just at that point the dog trotted over to me
with his stick, he wanted me to throw it again for him. But I could not
be bothered to get up so I simply threw it whilst reclining on the grass.
As the stick flew though the air it began to sparkle so it seemed.
Perhaps it was the reflection of the sun. But as the dog was leaping
through the long deep grass as it was at that part of the field the dog
also began to ‘glow’ with a strange inner radiance. As I looked around
me, my wife (I could only see her back and her hair) was also glowing.
The grass was glowing, and the trees. I looked at my hands they were
glowing with an inner light of pure radiance. I began to think I was
perhaps not very well or something, yet I felt fine, tremendous; never
I scanned the whole vista around me.
Everything was glowing with an inner light, the world was different than I
had ever seen it before. The lakes way down below us, the sky, the trees,
the few puffs of small white clouds, the grass, my shoes, everything, was
shimmering with this inner light and a wondrous radiance; and it was all
becoming more so and more so—what on earth is happening ? Then the
‘hushed-ness’ of sound which had existed turned into a kind of ‘hum’. Not
a hum as such but a kind of unified ‘song’ or symphony of sound. I could
hear the ants, the bees, insects in the grass, the dogs breath, it was
almost as though I could hear all our own hearts beating and blood
pumping. And yet it was a unified kind of sound, almost like music in
fact. I was dumb-struck and amazed, for I had never seen anything like
It was as though the physical senses had
been liberated from a sleep and come alive to a greater spectrum of
creation itself; the world was different; and amazing. And then it
happened ! It is indescribable; ineffable. I can describe the journey to
that transcendent paradise; annihilation; the resurrection; what it is
like in that paradise, and what it looks like and feels like; but my god
almighty I cannot describe this for the love of trying. It was as though
a hole had opened up in creation itself. As though there had been a
blockage up the pipeline which was now cleared by a flue brush clearing
out the muck of the senses.
There was no ‘gap’ between the
transcendent paradise realm and this earth, for they were ‘joined’,
directly connected; a blockage had become unblocked. For I now
recognised those shimmering lights, I had seen them before when in that
‘nothing’—Limbo, all those years ago. I realised only now, and for sure,
that those lights I had seen on the journey to that paradise dimension
whilst in ‘nothing’ were the naked face and wave front of the act of
creation itself. I had wondered about it on many occasions—but now—now I
knew it. That which was within, the divine Implicate Order, is now out
there, in the world also, and on a new ‘wave front’ of my own mind’s
interaction with objective reality itself. Good grief almighty.
And just at that point I began to be
bombarded by what one can only call chunks of ‘data’, understanding and
comprehension. As though a million pieces of Jigsaw puzzle were being
tossed up into the air and putting themselves together in the finished
picture of comprehension. It pounded and pounded and pounded with
relentless velocity and increasing frequency. It was as though my I AM in
transcendence and the personality incarnate become one on earth in a
gusher of a union. In transcendence the outer I had gone to IT: but here
and now, on earth, IT, the implicate inner reality, the child of that
divine realm had come out to me. We danced again in a swoon of unified
passion and delight, as it had been in paradise those long twenty years
ago then so too was it again, now, on earth; the inner had become the
outer: the below as the above.
When I went to IT the outer
consciousness had gone to and become as the inner consciousness. But now
the inner child (of mind at root) walked upon the face of the earth—the
essential spirit of being was liberated . . . ON EARTH through me ! I
gave myself up and let that consciousness walk in my body—to see the
trees, to feel the breeze, to show it the finished product of creation in
the outer multitude; the synthesis of the vortex of emanation. I had
shared paradise . . . and my love, I give the world to you now, through me
In transcendence there had been a union
in the Mutual Convergence, (in annihilation and resurrection) but this was
a reciprocal event, the Reciprocal Convergence, Paradise on earth, the
Consummatum Incarnate! Good god almighty I cannot take much more of this
! And yet it kept coming, more and more, stronger and stronger, I thought
I was going to burst with passion and explode like I did once before. But
not so, I was just engulfed in, and surrounded by a love, a wisdom; all
knowledge, all comprehension, all affirmation, all at the same instant and
in ultimate dosage—and in a physical world unimaginable. And then... and
then it came to me, revealed and comprehended in one shocker of a blast:
something had once given me the understanding . . .
“It is now time to go. Do not fear, for
it is all well that you must go now, for something out there is in need;
and you must now be with it; do not fear, go now; be with it” !
In twenty years I had never understood
that bit; I had never come to understand it and I assumed that I never
would come to understand it. But now, twenty years almost to the day
later, I understood it implicitly; and it was the first time in my life
that I wept; and albeit on the inside; for it was the soul that wept.
Good god almighty—I knew what was in need—it was the world itself; the
trees, the flowers, the sun and the sky, the stars themselves—that they
might become like this: and it is mine to give, through the love; through
me . . . TO THEM !
Normality slowly began to return. The
‘music’ gradually turned back into the normal sounds of the bees and the
breeze. The inner lights of the emanation of being slowly dimmed back
into the colours of normal matter and things. The ‘hushedness’ faded into
normality, and the gates of paradise closed again. No doubts, no
questions, no dichotomy, no unfinished song; the last amen had been sung
and danced—ON EARTH. The last chord made whole and finalised—and this is
creation done: the finished product. The synthesis of paradise and earth;
the purpose and function of creation and being. And I was never the same
child again, for the child had become a man. Somebody else walked out of
the field that day, somebody very different, and the twenty-year wait was
over. Twenty years in the wilderness of the resolution of the paradise
event. But to have waited ten million years would have been worth it.
There is nothing one can say, except that it is now achieved; Consummatum
Est ! And I now Understand.
My wife did not even know that anything
had happened in that field during that hour or so; and I did not say a
word. I was worn out, wrung out, drained, and mind-blown yet again; yet
so very different from the last time when returning from the transcendent
event twenty years earlier. Had I not have seen that transcendent
paradise twenty years ago then I would never had understood this event at
all. But now I did.
I read somewhere once that the young
would have visions and that when old they would dream dreams. Strange,
for all I can do
now is to dream dreams of a better world for young minds to come into; for
this one seems to be spiritually dead. I dream of a world wherein all
incarnate minds could see and know these things for themselves during
their lifetime; for then humankind would bring forth a world of their own
volition and love; a world in which the dignity of man would be liberated.
A world in
which there was no sadness when returning to this world from the
transcendent realm, a world that was equal to it in form, as it is in
essence; for then could children come here from there and enjoy life
incarnate on earth—a divine freedom—in freedom from the divine. For only
here can we say ‘I love you’, and thence do something about it.
dream of a world which will never exist, and yet could exist. Maybe such
a world will exist in the distant future; who knows. What I do know is
that only human beings could make it so—with a little mysterious help.
But in the final analysis it is Mankind’s decision as to whether this
planet will ever flower or not; become what it could become if it were
sufficiently loved; for it needs loving, just as a child does.
seem to me that there must come a time, in one incarnate lifetime or
another, when a soul must walk these paths for themselves. It is more to
do with the evolution of the individuals soul than that of the existing
temporal manifestation of that souls incarnate mind as such. It is plain
enough that not all human beings on earth undergo such events during this
lifetime; and yet they must do so eventually, for it is the evolution of
the incarnate soul itself. There is no evolution in paradise, but only in
extension of it. We were not made FOR paradise (we were made IN IT); but
we were made for freedom; in a temporal world—a world which we are given
the freedom and power to make by way of our own desires and efforts. How
How strange and mysterious life is. It
is as though the life force which shapes our being is saying to us . . .
Here is the ‘stuff’ my love, make with it what you will” ! Would that it
could speak a little louder, and a little more often; or would that they
themselves would take the time off to listen with a keen ear to the more
subtle frequencies and vibrations of creation. Truly would they then also
say—let us make man in our transcendent image.
* * *
Dedication to Omar Khayyam
that I could sleep tonight
and ne’r awake again;
and shackled to my soul, could take
the harbinger of pain;
that catalytic virus now
which burrows like a screw,
entwines itself like poison
on what was pure as dew.
For if I did not love you,
then I would never care,
and never would I worry,
or your pain then have to share;
but it is done... I love you;
and the dark side I must know
until the temporal course is through;
when all the pain will go.
Why is it thus, that love must have
its dark side like the Moon,
or rust beneath a painted sheen
which shows itself so soon ?
Ah love! Could we conspire
to grasp this sorry scheme,
and mould it in a fashion more
conducive to our dream !
* * *
it is, the analogy,
that the ‘Cave of shadows’ is true;
but alas we never know it
until we see the other view
of light beyond the light we know,
and in temporal fields returned.
And whence comes such a time on Earth
when the inner light so true,
by each and every being
is prominently in view ?
But still I say, dear Omar,
and unto you my love,
me thinks it’s not the time on Earth
where such truth fits like a glove
while the sacred Cow of profit
rings its hollow bell;
exploits through fear and violence,
and intimidates then of hell.
I understand that in due course
such things will come to be
when the seed of inner movement
But the climate of the temporal mind,
me thinks is not yet ripe,
but wallows still in Somnus,
in a depth which is unripe.
The time is not yet ready
to reap the Golden Fleece:
return then, to your magic realm;
and rest . . . in Heavenly peace !
Sometimes I’ve cursed the day I saw
beyond the temporal tree,
and the innocence of beauty
amid this worlds poverty.
Life could be so simple
if such things we never knew;
or observers of such wisdom
at least were not so few.
Where knowledge is but second hand
at best it makes one think;
but when you know; you can compare;
and that is pain . . . to drink.
You cannot be affected
by what you do not know;
but that which you have been in
which set the heart aglow
can never be forgotten,
negated or put down,
and that is why the mystics weep
when this world they look around.
Think not such knowledge is all fun
while on this world we dwell;
for if you care to sup of truth
then you must drink it well.
Knowledge which is second-hand,
like an angelus that rings,
offers knowledge of the truth,
without the pain it brings.
Enjoy your time among the trees
when next the gate swings in the
But times there are, which sometimes
tis easier said, my friend, than
Thus, I would cast such Wisdom
many fathoms deep;
that only those who long for truth
its knowledge would then reap.
But neither do I have to,
for it is already done,
by one that is much wiser,
and to which all things must come.
But knowledge which is second-hand,
like an angelus that rings,
offers knowledge of the truth
where the child of Wisdom sings.
But to seek within religion
for the singer and the song
is much like opening vintage wine,
with the aid of a nuclear bomb.
And when at last your reason knows
no more then can be done,
and offers up its being. . . .
“When you need Me . . . I will come”!
* * *
A Song of Remembrance.
to Franz Gruber and Joseph
night, Holy night
all is calm, all is right;
rests the child of loves virgin light
in that heavenly womb so bright.
Rest there in heavenly peace,
Rest there in heavenly peace.
Silent night, Holy night,
gone the World, hid from sight
while the glory of loves sweet child
bathed in wisdom so tender, so mild,
reaping thy heavenly peace,
reaping thy heavenly peace.
Silent night, Holy night,
realm of love, Oh so right,
guide their spirit to thy side
so in truth we all may abide
singing of heavenly love,
singing of heavenly love.
Still the night! calm the night!
for the child of heavenly light
from the womb of eternal abound:
in remembrance of loves silent
where thy true love is born,
where thy true love is born.
Silent night, Holy night,
all is calm, all is right,
where thy truth redeems my glow
spirit falls like snow upon snow
and rests there in heavenly peace,
rests there in heavenly peace.
Silent night, Holy night,
gone the world, hid from sight,
while the glory of loves sweet child
bathed in wisdom so tender and mild,
rests there . . . in heavenly peace.
Rest there . . . in heavenly peace !
* * *
is one thing you ought to know
if one would advise you which way to
so heed a word, and mark it well,
lest your mind may fare unwell.
In order that you truly see
words of truth that come to thee,
distinguished from a word untrue
of things which are so close to you.
Remember that a one who knows
the restitution of repose,
and truly seen the wondrous thing;
their poetry will dance and sing.
So if there is no sparkle there;
but words of doom, and dark despair,
then let your mind not linger long;
for theirs is not the actual song.
Hence, be alert, where greed may
which brings a cloud, a hollow bell;
and thus a darkness long in time;
for theirs is not the actual rhyme.
* * *
Contact Dick Richardson to report or discuss unitive mystical experiences
Lydeard Down Cottae.
Lydeard St Lawrence. Somerset. TA4 2SN.
Phone: 01984 667 664